Only a mothe r could love this liver
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
