No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
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I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
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you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating