you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.