We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.