got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
