That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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