i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
