i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
