I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
