I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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