i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
