How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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