I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
