I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
