i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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