A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
