If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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