You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
