No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
