walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
