Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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