your parents love me but you hate me
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Randomize
