I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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