sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
