Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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