you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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