All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
