I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
