I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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