I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
