So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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