look no pants
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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