i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
