I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
