my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize
