Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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