You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
