please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
