1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
North Korea, Best Korea!
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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