My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
