I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
