Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So many bounce houses so little time
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
