Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
