You're so nebulous sometimes
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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