I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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