I'm so fucking centered right now
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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