One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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