The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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