I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
