I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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