How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
