well I can't set my house on fire every night
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
