I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize