Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
