My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
