Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.