Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS