you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This is the high leading the old right now
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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