when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
